tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30567906.post4362814562908945244..comments2023-12-19T00:27:40.453-10:00Comments on .: PancakesMcGuirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03095242258892600138noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30567906.post-60459570583049263102008-05-02T09:32:00.000-10:002008-05-02T09:32:00.000-10:00I enjoyed this a lot. I enjoyed the look the panca...I enjoyed this a lot. I enjoyed the look the pancakes too. You should see the sad pair that's sitting on top of our fridge at the moment - sad, very sad looking.<BR/><BR/>It's a hard call to decide exactly how Scottish to make a piece. I wrote a poem recently that really only works when you read the overblown translation, the kind of thing Stanley Baxter did so well.<BR/><BR/>I'm assuming this is fiction. Either way it's got character and worth polishing. I don't see it as poetry <I>per se</I> but as a piece of flash fiction it's brill.<BR/><BR/>A few thoughts:<BR/><BR/>I'm not sure about the capital D on 'Dependant' - is that a typo?<BR/><BR/>In one place you have 'wiz' and in another 'was'.<BR/><BR/>Glaswegians tend to drop the d in 'and' - you could get away with 'an'.<BR/><BR/>'Angels' is possessive - it should be 'Angel's'.<BR/><BR/>What about 'jist' instead of 'just'?<BR/><BR/>'A large big' is too much - 'great big' or just 'big' would do nicely.<BR/><BR/>Some of your sentences don't begin with capitals and your personal pronouns are inconsistent, sometime 'I' and sometimes 'i'. You need to fix that. Did you think about using 'Ah' instead?<BR/><BR/>You use 'heed' instead of 'head' but not 'broon' instead of 'brown'.<BR/><BR/>I'm not keen on 'biscuit halos' - they're not - how about 'wee, saft' instead?<BR/><BR/>You use 'would' and yet you use 'Yir' and 'whit' - wouldn't 'wid' be better?<BR/><BR/><BR/>I would've e-mailed my notes to you but there's no e-mail address on your site so I hope you'll forgive me putting my observations up for the world to see.<BR/><BR/>Once you've got this sorted try <A HREF="http://www.ranfurly-review.co.uk/home.html" REL="nofollow">Ranfurly Review</A>. They published a couple of my short stories and I've a poem in their December issue.Jim Murdochhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12786388638146471193noreply@blogger.com