Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Summer biscuits


Five children sun about in the sun,
searching for their mother
who has fallen asleep in the
back garden with slight sunburn.
They will sneak into the kitchen
and steal three biscuits from the biscuit tin.

10 comments:

Jim Murdoch said...

I like the image but I think you should take a second look at the language. Even as prose it doesn't quite flow the way I think it could. I do like the opening line though especially the use of 'sun' both as verb and noun. If I could offer one suggesting - I think they should find the mother and on finding her then sneak off to raid the cookie jar.

McGuire said...

Jim, thanks for your comment, to be honest, I thought they did find the mother and then on finding her sneak off to raid the cookie jar.

?

Jim Murdoch said...

I guessed as much but you didn't state it explicitly, something like "On finding their mother..."

Titus said...

Why 3? Why only 3? You can't divide 3 by 5!

McGuire said...

They share the biscuits. Afraid of stealing five perhaps. Mum might get angry. Naive really.

:)

Titus said...

McGuire. Children. Don't. Share.
Unless there's an adult present.

McGuire said...

In this instance they did. Possibly out of fear (equal). Possibly out of naive generosity (that was nice). Both.

This summer they shared.

the broken down barman said...

lets hope that summer comes back one day

Titus said...

Ah! But unconvinced.

Jasko said...

This was great.