Monday, February 15, 2010

The Sexual.



Am in the sex helf clinic way aw the uther shaggers, fair crowd o nail biters, pact tae the roof this mornin. We huff tae wait fir hours becawz a the number a folk waitin for a check up fir Clymid, Siflus, pregurrs, hiv, heshe, sproutin genital warts, hairpiece. And it servez as a warnin tae, no tae huhv sex tae aften way cockroachez or lice, cawz yee can be made tae wait fir two hours or mare, jist tae git seen tae. And in waitin u huff tae deal way the headache a artificial light, and the dizeaze o artifishal luv. Coarse place is full aw awkward silence, killed by the radeo, eye twitchin heed down matereal. lot of foot shufflin'. aw the folk sittin thegither, wonderin whose git wit, whoz bin shaggin wit, whoz the bummer, whoz git aids. A wiz seen but, ventually, nice blonde number sayz a huhv a clean bill o helf. Nay warts, jist a benine cyst. tries to get us tae tell her stuf but, asks me aw privat quetions bout sex - if men, if women, drugz, cock, fanny. i said nutin. wiz like kinfeshin man. hud me worried fir a minute. but gave me a new lease o life. a'll be oot again the night lookin fir luv in the darkest o cornerz, lookin fir firm buttocks way ma name on thum. Waitin fir God to come an gee uz aw a good seeing tae.


For your everyday eugenic or sexual health concerns: http://www.sandyford.org/

4 comments:

Jim Murdoch said...

Okay, I feel really ignorant here. I don’t get the ‘crazy ants’ reference at all. I actually thought there was only one Sandyford Clinic which I assumed was on Sandyford Street or Road or something. It’s been many many years since I’ve heard it mentioned. Is ‘cockroaches’ a euphemism by the way?

Oh, and it’s “too often’ – can’t let you away with that one.

It’s not a bad piece. I like the ending. Have you tried writing it in an accent? I think it might add something. I could just hear the narrator saying, “Ah’ll be oot oan the ran dan t’night.” Have a think about it. Also, it might work even better if you expanded it and turned it onto one of your prose sketches.

McGuire said...

Crazy ants are a species of ant. A thin analogy to the behaviour of humans and sexual practice.

Sandyford is the general name for the health clinics in Glasgow - from the westend to Govan and beyond.

I don't see an accent in this. I could put it there. Other than that a brief moment poem. Cockroaches is a euphemism, a metaphor, an insult, a flippant statement for one night stands.

Anything else? Like a building site around here. Cheers Jim for showing me my errors ;)

paulfcockburn said...

My memories of Sandyford include their jam donuts and finding that one of the guys behind the desk had been in my bed several months before.

Smile. Be Polite. Keep on moving.

And no sugar in my coffee.

McGuire said...

Awkward moment there Paul. They used to have doughnuts? Crazy. And coffee machines. Sounds like a coffee house rather than a sexual health clinic.

I believe it's middled aged women behind the counter now. Safer for all perhaps...well, for those who feel embarassed.