Twiddling in a barrel of darkness,
desperate to beat upon my chest
like the Orangutan.
My life is a single room,
and I must gather my head there.
Like an invalid.
I have seen slivers of
private night, my skull is
soggy putrid apple core;
and there are children that
have been mutilated by no love
and too much love.
And my head is rotten through,
with rats of affection
and disgusting compassions.
And minuscule patches of bursting
flowers pink and blue.
I nibble my thoughts
like the terrifying Eucharist.
Dumb to my seriousness.
All the invalids want
to shit from the sky
like seagulls.
But they will all die,
horizontally.
No cure for the inevitable.
In the hollow space of a graveyard,
atoms form circuses and carnivals.
5 comments:
Some good lines in this one. It doesn't all come together for me though and I suspect the main problem might be the title; I think you might want to rethink it.
A couple of thoughts: ' slithers of / private night' – do you mean 'slivers'? And I think you need an 'is' here: 'All the invalids want [is] / to shit from the sky'. I like ' rats of affection' and ' I nibble my thoughts / like the terrifying Eucharist' – it feels a bit tempting to link the rats and the nibbling I have to say.
As ever your suggestions help me to help myself. What do you make of the new title? Does it gel?
This was written in a dour mood of private depression and perversion. I wanted that to come through without 'pointing directly' so to speak. I'm not sure if it has come through, mind you.
The poem was accepted by an American poetry website, called literarymary, they are making a paper journal for next year. This poem will feature in it. To be honest, I like the poem, but not entirely sure if it is the strongest.
The new title's better, yes. That's someone has seen fit to publish it is enough. That the work as a whole didn't grab me is neither here nor there. No one will love everything you write. That I keep coming back to your blog should be taken as evidence enough that you have that something. I don't read that many personal blogs but when I like something I'll tell you, like your pancake piece.
I thought it good until I got to the last two lines - then it really took off!
Those last two lines seem to have captured many a readers attention and imagination. It is an odd little sureal absraction at the end. Dare I say, verging on some kind of existential 'life goes on'.
Glad you read this through.
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