Sunday, April 12, 2009
Infinite wandering
The eyes,
such touch
in their glance
but the face,
the angular
chiselled
youthfulness
brushed me
enough to touch me.
It is worth
lighting candles
to how beautiful
his eyes are.
Everything ends.
But his eyes,
above all
so moist,
touch me.
Touched
the moment
almost perfect;
a piece of
memory.
The eyes,
soft
wandering.
The supple
long arms
tone sinew
fresh figure,
imagine:
the chest
taut and
breathing.
The moment
of his look.
Everything
about him,
noticed.
He noticed himself
for a moment;
the eyes caught on.
We know it exactly.
How new
for a second,
his long
gaze (imagine)
immortalises us.
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4 comments:
The scrolling down that is required to read this lovely piece adds much to it. It makes it read like the credits of a movie, except that one is more keen to see what it coming next that if it were simply to be a focus puller or a foley artist.
Striking.
I’ve had my head nipped recently for wanting to truncate poems to suit my own personal tastes and I have to admit, if this was my piece, it would be half its length. I do however note that this is a piece to wallow in. The narrator is in no great rush to make his point. In fact when he’s said about as much as he can think of about the eyes he moves onto the body. I think you were right to go with the short lines. They add a breathlessness to the poem that I found appropriate.
Needless to say the punctuation drove me batty and there were a couple of typos (‘chiselled’ has two l’s and ‘moment’ was misspelled) but I tried not to let them spoil the piece for me.
Your picture made me think of Thomas Mann’s Death in Venice or, to be more accurate, Luchino Visconti’s film adaptation since I’ve never read Mann’s novel. Part of me wishes you hadn’t included the photo but once I’d seen it – and it is striking – the damage was done.
Good poem.
Ken - Thank you. The image is epic to an unnatural filmic degree. I suppose I have tried to described that 'perfection' and it is curious to mention it read like credits. My credits to his beauty.
Jim - Perhaps I could chop out some extraneous verses, but I indulged so much in this description, I feel, it doesn't do any harm to play with the description. I think with or without the picture, it works either way. I have mended some of the punctuation. How does it suit you know? To be honest, someone gave this a quick edit before and I believe their mistakes became coupled with my own making it quite hideous. But I've changed it now. And yes, the similarity with Death and Venice and that whole 'appriecation' of youthful beauty is exactly what strikes me. Perhaps some editing to be done but on the whole I think it is a reasonable success.
I would agree. Have you tried to read this one out aloud? If not then I think you should and consider where your stanza breaks should come based on that reading.
One of these days I'm going to pluck up the courage to write a post on how to notate poetry especially if that poetry is going to be read aloud. I think a piece like this could be screwed up quite badly by a poor reading but if the layout is poor to start off with then who is to blame?
Something to think about.
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