Monday, October 27, 2008

The forgotten Jesus

The Forgotten Jesus:

I keep making people fall asleep;
whenever I sit beside them for long enough
and say what needs to be said they slowly
but surely doze off into tranquil snooze.
I am left with eternity all around me
twiddling my thumbs, lonely for my Father,
who never calls; perhaps he too has passed out
on his Heavenly bed, dreaming of everyone
and everything, besides me.


Jim Murdoch said...

The idea behind this is interesting but I don't get 'and say what needs to be spirit'. Is this correct? It doesn't seem right. Do you not mean simply 'and say that needs to be said'? Secondly, 'doze off into a tranquil snooze' is too much. Why not 'float off'? That way you don't have two synonyms in the one line.

Cool, new banner by the way.

McGuire said...

Originally, I had put, 'say what needs to be said, but I wanted to make a more direct link between spiritual guidance rather than simply Jesus just talking.

I love 'doze off into tranquil snooze' particularly 'tranquil snooze' I have used that in many of my poems about sleeping.

Dave King said...

Like Jim, I think the idea behind this poem is interesting. And in its present form I think it is a little gem.