Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Faux pas

Greasy spoon

The cigarette coughs and splurts ash
into the coffee cup. The coffee
splashes in shock. The table cloth
is ruined and she'll have to wash her
dress. The breakfast was a near miss.
The table had nothing to do with it.
And the chairs, straight backed,
look unimpressed. 'You should give up
those bloody cigarettes George, they're
more bother than their worth.'


Jim Murdoch said...

I like the way you've anthropomorphised the cigarette, the coffee, the table and the chairs but I'm not sure I get the piece. I feel I'm missing some important details, specifically who owns the dress. Or is the 'dress' the 'table cloth'?

McGuire said...

Yes, the table cloth is the dress. I don't think there is much to get, it's a comic scene, nothing more, perhaps it's not even that funny.

I just liked the idea of smoking causing a comedy of erros, much like when you drop a piece of toast into your tea and then knock over the milk or something.

More capturing a comic moment than anything poetic or insightful.

Rachel Fenton said...

What I find interesting is that there's a lot of near ryme/alliteration that you could make stronger use of by re-structuring...'coughs' and 'cloth'...'miss' and 'dress' and 'unimpressed'..I'd have to make a song and dance of theose if I'd written this...(good job I didn't then, eh)! I like it though..found you via Jim..

McGuire said...

Hello Rachel,

Glad to meet you. Glad you found this. You see, I never really go for rhyme, perhaps I should have in this one. Perhaps it is a weakness that I chose not to bother with it. What do you think?

I might try restructing it.

Rachel Fenton said...

Jeez, so many typos, lol!
I do think restructing theos would be a grand idea to make use of ryme (hahaha), but hey, if you're happy with it, it's fine by me.

Rachel Fenton said...

I've given it some more thought, and it's probably better without forcing the rhyme. 'theose' is still making me chuckle, btw. I cannot fathom how I got an 'o' in there - it's at the opposite side of the keyboard...I apologise for my silly ramble!

McGuire said...

Don't be silly. I loved the suggestion. And I'm quite fond of a few typos myself. So don't worry about that.

I'll be reading you.

Titus said...

I like this, as it is, very much indeed.

The Brokendown Barman said...

first of all i have to say i love the way you say "i'll be reading you" when you get a comment from someone new!! its like a cross between terminator and the prisoner!!
anyway, like robert plant, i ramble on!!
liked the piece, more like the stuff you were writing when i first started to follow you.
nice one

Rachel Fenton said...

Awe, and I thought 'I'll be reading you' was just for me!
Now, where's that poem I'm looking for...?

The Brokendown Barman said...

sorry rachael, did i ruin the moment?

Rachel Fenton said...

You're a fine one, TBDBM, you spelt my name wrong, and it can't even be blamed on a typo! Not feeling very special in this end of town - just read the slating you got on your blog, too! V. funny!
McGuire, wanted to say bravo for your reserve shown on a not too distant blog :) And when do we get another poem? I keep coming back, wondering if me thingy majiggum isn't working!

The Brokendown Barman said...

sorry rachil. thought youd spelt yer ain name wrong. whoops

Hugh McMillan said...

strangely disembodied Ivor Cutleresque piece: McGuire in usual good form.

Rachel Fox said...

Soon you'll have enough for a whole chair-themed collection...