The last droplet has been drank.
Everyone is so very thirsty.
Everything so very dry.
Everyone hunting for that
miraculous glass of water.
Congregations with cracked lips
kneel and bow trembling
before the effigy of a giant iceberg.
3 comments:
I like the idea of this piece. I think it could be tightened though. The two things I tripped up on were 'elusive glass of water' - I don't think 'elusive' is the right word here; 'imaginary' jumps to mind but I'm not sure that's right either. And, 'pray like Mohammedans' - I don't think it needs a qualifier. All it could do is get someone's hackles up. The final image is excellent though.
Hello Jim. I've made those changes. Mohamnedans is a dated expression what I was looking for was the method of prayer really, that image of rows of peoploe kneeling and praying on mats in unison (Salah). It is quite beautiful ritual. I wanted to take that holy ritual and apply it to a natural element. I hope it reads a bit clearer...perhaps not?
Better. One other suggestion:
change 'a / miraculous glass of water' to 'that / miraculous glass of water'
Post a Comment